God Bless EMTs

Our boy wants to be a police officer, EMT or fire fighter. He is only 6 but I know he can do it. He is extraordinarily selfish but he has this tender heart inside of him, to save and to rescue. 

This morning, on the way to school, we were talking about the future. He said he wants to drive an ambulance and rescue people from fires. I talked to him about his "first parents" and how they had to call an ambulance to get to the hospital so he could be born somewhere safe. He was quiet. I asked him what he was thinking and he said he was thinking about saving people from fires. He does not like to talk about his adoption. I followed up with some praise about how brave he is and how much he is loved.

You see, our boy's first parents didnt have a car. They lived in a dirty garage. In fact, it was the EMTs who called child protective services (CPS) and not the nurses. Our boy was born with marijauna in his system and there were many, man red flags (like the ages of his first parents) but there was no sign (yet) of abuse or neglect so the nurses, for all I know, did their job to care for birth mom and our boy. The EMTs called CPS because of the condition of the home. I'm not sure if they went inside to help birth mom get on the ambulance. They must have. They reported that it was dirty and unfit. This was September in the Pacific Northwest. Not warm, but not yet cold. I'm told the garage didnt have heating and it is damp and cold by late October. His parents had just moved into this place 2 weeks before. I'm not sure how much the EMTs knew but I am forever indebted to them. Without them, my son, our boy, may not be alive. He would have gone home to freeze or stave in that garage. 

God Bless EMTs. I would be thrilled if our boy chose that career path.

Sincerely, 

Mama

Neglect

I've been digging in to a podcast about Adoption, from the perspective of Adoptees (because, really, whose opinion matters more?) and I'm feeling so conflicted, broken. What I've learned is that our boy will feel the affects of adoption throughout his life, probably without even knowing it. He may have an overwhelming sense of abandonment, grief or loss. He may feel like he doesn't fit in anywhere. I consider myself highly intuitive and discerning but I haven't noticed any of that, yet. I know that he craves attention more than most children and I fail to give him enough. I can spend hours with him, being intentional and giving him everything he needs, but as soon as I get up to do my own thing it's as if those hours are erased. It's never enough. Our boy's temperament resembles mine and I cant help but think that being the oldest of four kids (with the 2nd being hot on my heels at 19 months apart) I also felt neglected as a child. Our boy is stubborn and irritable. Just like me. It's remarkable how alike we are. I dont see a high level of separation anxiety with him. Quite the opposite. He's very independent and we have always celebrated that. As a baby, he had developmental delays so we love seeing him do things for himself. However, as a mother, I like to be wanted. I admit that I have, at times, forced behaviors that were not natural in our boy. Hugging, for instance, is something I love. I hug, hold and kiss my biological son as often as possible and I know that our boy doesn't like those things. I give them to our boy sparingly and request them even less. I am so ashamed to admit that. But after getting hit in the face after a kiss or getting pushed away because my hug was making him "too hot", I just stopped doing it as much and I hate that so much.

If there are any adoptees or therapists reading this that could give me any advice, please get in touch with me. I would love to start an email chain or schedule a phone call. Thanks!

Birth Father

I have had little to no contact with our boy's father. He has a Facebook page that has been inactive for two years now. I finally got up the courage to ask birth mom if she has been in touch with him and she hasn't.

The thing is, I'm realizing that our boy may want to meet them someday or at the very least want to know all about them. But, I dont know a lot about his father. What I do know... it's not that great. He was a drug addict. He was twice the age of birth mom. He did adore our boy, though. He didnt have the skills or the means to take care of him, but he loved him. He showed up to all but 4 or 5 visitations for those first two years.

So, what do I tell my boy? When do I tell him? How young is too young to know that your father was a drug addict who had a relationship with a young girl?

Adoption is Trauma

It's been a while. I have had a natural born son. Two boys! The youngest is now 18 months old. My adopted son is 5 and a half. They adore each other. 

I keep thinking about my boys and how much they look alike! I keep thinking about how Big Brother has my temperament and I totally understand his little idiosyncrasies. When we brought him home, we knew he would fit in. We knew that if we adopted him he would never have to tell a soul if he didn't want to. Not all adoptees have that and I figured it was a good thing. But, the more I listen to the adoptees stories, I am realizing that no matter how much he looks like us or acts like us, he may feel adopted for his entire life. I'm learning that adoption is trauma. No matter how abusive or brief, a child is connected to his flesh and blood. Adoption takes a child from its mother, the person that this child LIVED INSIDE OF. Is there anything more traumatic?

I'm realizing that Big Brother needs to know where he came from, no matter how much he fits in with us, no matter how broken his origins are. So, I'm reaching out to his mother a little more. I want him to know her someday. I want him to meet his father - if I can ever get a hold of him. Am I afraid? A little. I'm afraid that his origins are so, so broken that he will associate himself with that and it will hurt his identity. I'm not afraid that he will like them. He probably will! And who am I to decide that that is unnatural or not okay? It's perfectly natural. I raised him as a my own and I love him but he's not really, truly mine (and neither is Baby Brother). My children belong to God. Big Brother is allowed to feel however he wants to feel and if he ends up meeting his mother (whom he hasn't seen in 5 years) and feeling connected to her, I wont be threatened by that. (If he rejects me and my husband, I will be devastated! But that's a whole other blog post for a later date.) I am preparing my heart for it. For him to love his birth parents. I hope that he does. I hope they get their lives together and become better versions of themself.

Adoption is complicated and messy but my brilliant, simple, impulsive, loving boy tells his story like this just yesterday, "I was alone and I lived with other parents and they didn't know how to take care of me and now you're my mom and dad!". Then, happily goes back to eating his orange sherbet and laughing at his Baby Brother. 

Be still my heart. He gets it. He is wiser and more in tune than I ever realized. 

Card from Birthmom

Birthmom sent an e-card and this message for our boy's 3rd birthday...

that's so awesome happy birthday dear son, I know today is his birthday.. I wish I could send him a present or a card in the mail :( that's interesting that was and still is all my favorite things too, my favorite color is black, I used to play basketball as a kid.. I love cats I have at least 4 cats haha. anyways that's really cool. I miss him I hope you guys have a wonderful day, and hope he has a Super happy birthday 3 years old :)  

Birthday

A little disappointed and admittedly relieved that we haven't received any emails from our boy's birth mom in over a month. He's about to have a birthday. I wonder... is it too much for her? Did she forget? Does she feel guilty or sad that she cant be with him?

Kind Words from Birthmom

Birthmom sent this last week:

Thank you for opening your arms up to my son.. and being a good mom and parent to him. I believe he will grow up to be a very smart and talented individual because of all the stuff you guys teach him, he is developing so quick!, [he] is so very lucky to have you guys! hes a sweet little baby. I know he will always have some traits of his mama in him. :) going to be a handful when he gets to be older. haha I sure do hope you and your family are doing well... Give [him] a big hug and kiss for me... talk to you later. 

I cant help but notice that she calls him "my son" and "a sweet little baby". Is this part of her delusion? Her way of coping? Our boy is almost three and hasn't seen her in nearly 2 years. I want her to know that the past two years haven't been all dandelions and rainbows. Our boy is a handful. Even with a strong support system, parenting books, and the endurance to run a marathon keeping up with him each day, I still fall short as his mother. Someone in her circumstances might not be able to do it at all. In reflecting on his state when we first got him, I wonder if he would have survived much longer in their home. Our boy has sensory processing disorder and had developmental delays - as a direct result of the time (4 months) that he spent with her and the birthfather before entering foster care. But birthmom is too fragile to hear all that now. She's still a young woman. So, I kindly let her hold onto her delusion.

Despite her errors, I truly appreciate her words.